The Saltine Dream Team
Drafted by white boy NBA analyst Max Berlin
Please welcome to the court, your starting line up for the Sal-tine Dreeeaaaammmm Teeeeaaaam!!
Out of Wyoming, Michigan, Starting at center, standing at an unbalanced 7 feet tall and weighing in at what seems to be a not so healthy 265 pounds, number 35, Freak Show! I mean, Chirs Kaman! Growing up on a farm in Michigan, Chris Kaman was diagnosed with ADHD at the tender age of just two and a half. His hobbies as a child included tearing off neighbor's roof shingles and tossing them around the farm, practicing kissing with sheep, studying Hitler's "Mein Kampf". Leave it to the Clippers to use a number one draft pick (6th overall) on an uncoordinated, slow, mock of a center.
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Nobody likes me!!! |
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Hansbrough after finding out he would actually be drafted. |
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its 7 oclock on the dot, im in my drop top.... |
Rounding out the Saltine's is the obvious rookie of the year for this team, Cole Aldrich. Cole was drafted 11th overall in the 2010 draft, only to have his rights traded to the Oklahoma City Thunder, to then be demoted to the Tulsa 66ers of the D-League. He is averaging an astounding 1.1pts per game, 2.7 rebounds and a modest .2 assists this season. With numbers like, its no wonder he had his front tooth pulled out with pliers to alleviate the pain of what seems to be the start of a not so promising career.
The Wonder Bread All-Stars
Coached & Managed by Jeremy Lewin
Ladies and gentlemen, I am honored to introduce to you the most iconic group of jocular white basketball players earth has ever seen... The Wonder Bread All-Stars!!!!!!!!
1- (Point Guard) Jason “White Chocolate” Williams
Jason Williams has pizzazz, he has flash, he has… oh wait, I think he just turned the ball over in the process of explaining his skills. HOLY CRAP J-Wills with the behind the back, through his legs cross over, jumps over the defender and … … ‘clank’, sorry to get you excited, it was just another typical J-Dub Million Dollar move and 10 cent finish. I mean, what do you expect from a white guy who has a Black Panther tattoo on one arm and “white boy” tattooed on his knuckles?
2- (Shooting Guard) Brian "The White Mamba" Scalabrine
I ask you this, what can you say about Brian Scalabrine that you can’t say about the disabled kid on any High School basketball team??
Scal or should I say Jackie Moon in the flesh, seems to get picked up by teams just to challenge the teams Mascot for playing time. He is always the first player off the bench to give his teammates high fives and the fans always chant for him when garbage time arrives. You can only imagine what happens when he makes a insignificant point during a game… the crowd erupts into cheers as if every obese person left in the stadium just won a free Big Mac and Fries. Brian Scalabrine may very well be the most significant insignificant player to ever grace the basketball court.
Here are a couple more links from the wonderful world of 'Scal'.
3- (Small Forward) Luke Walton
Yep that splatter you see on Luke Waltons arm is what you think it is, a dreadful interpretation of a grateful dead tattoo. Then again maybe it’s just a metaphor to his basketball skills.
4- (Power Forward) Rony Seikaly
Every great all white Basketball team needs some great Techno music! This is why I bring you... drum roll please… DJ Ronyyyyyyyyyy Seikalyyyy. Not only can he post up, but when ever your team needs a little boost from the cha cha slide, DJ Ron Ron will be there to blast it from the speakers. Oh and don’t worry if you can’t make the game, you can still get some DJ Spin Doctor straight from his premier website, http://ronyseikaly.com/
5- (Center) Shawn Bradley “Missionary Impossible”
Shawn is the King of poster… or should I say king of posterized. He got posterized by so many undersized humans it makes me nauseous to think about how many sweaty man marbles has rested on his sacred Mormon chin. I hope you have your cameras ready this giant stick stickly man in the middle is the ultimate weapon the Wonder Bread All-Stars was looking for.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdPstztPkLA&feature=player_embedded#at=21
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdPstztPkLA&feature=player_embedded#at=21
Who will win this legendary match-up? Will it be the Saltine Dream Team led by Adam "no friends" Morrison or will it be The Wonder Bread All-Stars led by their Enormous Mormon in the middle. You be the judge! And hey if you think we missed one let us know, maybe there will be a special guest appearance.