Monday, March 7, 2011

NBA's Saltine Wonders

We see them peppered, or in this case salted, throughout the NBA delighting us with their pure and undeniable goofy whiteness. As they mis-handle the ball, take bad shots, and just look downright terrible at times. They leave us feeling anywhere from orgasmic jubilation to complete condemnation, yet they still go relatively un-noticed.  We have taken the liberty to give you all what you have been waiting for, the top 10 goofiest white boy ball players, hand picked, uncut, and uncovered for what they really are, here for everyone's entertainment,

The Saltine Dream Team
Drafted by white boy NBA analyst Max Berlin

Please welcome to the court, your starting line up for the Sal-tine Dreeeaaaammmm Teeeeaaaam!!


Out of Wyoming, Michigan, Starting at center, standing at an unbalanced 7 feet tall and weighing in at what seems to be a not so healthy 265 pounds, number 35, Freak Show! I mean, Chirs Kaman!  Growing up on a farm in Michigan, Chris Kaman was diagnosed with ADHD at the tender age of just two and a half.  His hobbies as a child included tearing off neighbor's roof shingles and tossing them around the farm, practicing kissing with sheep, studying Hitler's "Mein Kampf".  Leave it to the Clippers to use a number one draft pick (6th overall) on an uncoordinated, slow, mock of a center.


Nobody likes me!!!
Starting at small forward, out of Glendive, Montana, number 6, Adam "No Friends" Morrison!  Adam Morrison shared the Player of the Year award with Duke's JJ Reddick in 2006 and won the "Most Likely To Sexually Assault A Six Year Old Boy Award" in 2008, not much has followed since then.  Drafted third overall by the Charlotte Bobcats in the 2006 draft he was later traded to the Lakers where he seldom played, if at all dressed.  He is now a free agent after being waived by the Wizards after training camp.  Yes, waived by the Wizards.  The same Wizards who once held a road record of 0-25.  To sum up Morrison's career and to put an emphasis on his "No Friends" nickname, I leave you with this video of No Friends Morrison apathetically stealing a high-five from the opposing team.


Hansbrough after finding out he would actually be drafted.
Ladies and Gentleman, I would like to introduce to you the most coveted college basketball player of our time.  Selected 13th overall by the Indiana Pacers,  the one, the only, Tyler Hansbrough!  What can be said about Tyler that hasn't already?  Unanimous winner of the "Most Likely To Be A Bust"  award in 2009, Hansbrough has proven us all to be, well, correct.  One of the most decorated players in college basketball history has fallen into the silent shadows of the Indiana Pacers roster. Larry Bird must have fallen out of his nest to make a move such as this one.  Hansbrough was mature for his age during his time in North Carolina which meant he had the height and size advantage over most power forwards in the NCAA. It is no wonder he was able to bully the smaller forwards around.  Hansbrough also shares the same striking image as the Muppet Babbies mad scientist, "Beaker".




its 7 oclock on the dot, im in my drop top....
Starting at guard, standing a measly 6 feet 2 inches, weighing in at a modest 175lbs, Fresh out of Naw'Lins Louisiana, Chris "Undrafted, Never Passes" Quinn!  Chris Quinn was never looked at as a promising star coming out of Notre Dame in the 2006 NBA draft, and every owner knew it.  Signing a contract with the Miami Heat, he played in the summer league but failed to take the starting position.  He finally made a appearance when the suspended Grandfather Gary Peyton was out. He played well but was left off the playoff roster, which is when he ventured off to pursue his career as Usher's backup dancer.  Quinn's playing career can be summed up by an interview with Shaquille O'Neal on being traded to the Suns in which Shaq stated "We have professionals who know what to do, no one is asking me to play with Chris Quinn, I'm actually on a team again"


Rounding out the Saltine's is the obvious rookie of the year for this team, Cole Aldrich.  Cole was drafted 11th overall in the 2010 draft, only to have his rights traded to the Oklahoma City Thunder, to then be demoted to the Tulsa 66ers of the D-League.  He is averaging an astounding 1.1pts per game, 2.7 rebounds and a modest .2 assists this season. With numbers like, its no wonder he had his front tooth pulled out with pliers to alleviate the pain of what seems to be the start of a not so promising career.




The Wonder Bread All-Stars 
Coached & Managed by Jeremy Lewin

Ladies and gentlemen, I am honored to introduce to you the most iconic group of jocular white basketball players earth has ever seen... The Wonder Bread All-Stars!!!!!!!!

1- (Point Guard) Jason “White Chocolate” Williams

Jason Williams has pizzazz, he has flash, he has… oh wait, I think he just turned the ball over in the process of explaining his skills.  HOLY CRAP J-Wills with the behind the back, through his legs cross over, jumps over the defender and … … ‘clank’, sorry to get you excited, it was just another typical J-Dub Million Dollar move and 10 cent finish. I mean, what do you expect from a white guy who has a Black Panther tattoo on one arm and “white boy” tattooed on his knuckles?  

 
2- (Shooting Guard) Brian "The White Mamba" Scalabrine

I ask you this, what can you say about Brian Scalabrine that you can’t say about the disabled kid on any High School basketball team?? 

Scal or should I say Jackie Moon in the flesh, seems to get picked up by teams just to challenge the teams Mascot for playing time.  He is always the first player off the bench to give his teammates high fives and the fans always chant for him when garbage time arrives. You can only imagine what happens when he makes a insignificant point during a game… the crowd erupts into cheers as if every obese person left in the stadium just won a free Big Mac and Fries.  Brian Scalabrine may very well be the most significant insignificant player to ever grace the basketball court. 

Here are a couple more links from the wonderful world of 'Scal'.

3- (Small Forward) Luke Walton

Yep that splatter you see on Luke Waltons arm is what you think it is, a dreadful interpretation of a grateful dead tattoo.  Then again maybe it’s just a metaphor to his basketball skills.  

4- (Power Forward) Rony Seikaly

Every great all white Basketball team needs some great Techno music! This is why I bring you... drum roll please… DJ Ronyyyyyyyyyy Seikalyyyy.  Not only can he post up, but when ever your team needs a little boost from the cha cha slide, DJ Ron Ron will be there to blast it from the speakers.  Oh and don’t worry if you can’t make the game, you can still get some DJ Spin Doctor straight from his premier website, http://ronyseikaly.com/

5- (Center) Shawn Bradley “Missionary Impossible”

At 7’6” and 275lb “The Enormous Mormon” had no need to jump to dunk.  For some reason, even at that size he had such a difficult time blocking players. Maybe it was because of his incredible 1.36572 inch vertical he used so rarely. 
Shawn is the King of poster… or should I say king of posterized.  He got posterized by so many undersized humans it makes me nauseous to think about how many sweaty man marbles has rested on his sacred Mormon chin. I hope you have your cameras ready this giant stick stickly man in the middle is the ultimate weapon the Wonder Bread All-Stars was looking for.  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdPstztPkLA&feature=player_embedded#at=21


Who will win this legendary match-up? Will it be the Saltine Dream Team led by Adam "no friends" Morrison or will it be The Wonder Bread All-Stars led by their Enormous Mormon in the middle. You be the judge! And hey if you think we missed one let us know, maybe there will be a special guest appearance.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Battle Of the MVP-LESS

By Jeremy Lewin


The 2010-2011 NBA Most Valuable Player is…

By most standards the reward will either go to the Chicago Bull’s PG Derick Rose or The Miami Heat’s Iconic monster Lebron James. Which got me to thinking, since the MVP refers to the Most Valuable Player in respect to their teams, which team ‘top to bottom’ is better without their superstar MVP? Allow me to break this down…
SG- Dwayne Wade vs Any Bulls SG
I think we can all agree Dwayne Wade is the best player on either team. He is explosive, unguardable, and can hit almost any shot on the court.  The guy is a monster and is a number 1 player on almost any team in the NBA. None of the Bulls players stack up.
+1 Miami Heat
Centers – Joel Anthony, Erick Dampier, Zydrunas Ilgauskas vs Joakim Noah, Omer Asik, Kurt Thomas
Out of this group Zydrunas Ilgauskas can probably shoot the best 18 footer out of any of the centers here, but that is about the only positive the Heat can come away with under the man in the middle.  The Bulls are far superior with their youth and veteran leadership in Kurt Thomas.  Noah plays like a modern day Dennis Rodman and Omer Asik has shown to be a valuable young player who is only getting better every game.
+1 Chicago Bulls
Power Forward – Chris Bosh vs Carlos Boozer
-Bosh is one of the best outside shooting power forwards in the game.  He has a pure shot, good ball handling, and can pass very well.  His rebounding is decent, his defense is suspect and his inside the paint offense is almost non-existent.
-Boozer is one of the better players in the league playing off the block. He can play inside or outside on offense with a consistent outside jumper.  Carlos does a great job on the boards, but his defense is below average.
Although this is a tough one to grade, you have to give it to the Bulls based on Boozer’s effect on inside the paint offense.
+1 Chicago Bulls
Small Forward- Luol Deng vs Mike Miller
Deng plays great defense, shoots the ball well from anywhere on the court, and is tough on the rebounds. He is the ‘glue’ guy for this Bulls team.  Miller is a good player, but he has been injured most of the year and hasn’t really been consistent on anything since his return.  Luol Deng is a far superior ball player in this comparison.
+1 Chicago Bulls.
Point Guard- C.J. Watson vs Mario Chalmers
Watson is a streaky shooter and never really played the PG position until this year. At times he can be great, but is basically only good filling in for a few minutes per game.  Mario Chalmers has a bright future ahead of him. He is quick to the basket and can hit outside shots.
+1 Miami Heat
Bench
Lets face it, Carlos Arroyo, Joel Anthony, Juwan Howard, Udonis Haslem, Eddie House and any of the Heats Centers do not stand up to the talent level of Chicago. The Bulls get way more production out of players like Omer Asik, Ronnie Brewer, Kurt Thomas, and Taj Gibson. We don’t need to mention James Jones or Kyle Korver because they cancel each other out.
+1 Chicago
Coaching – Tom Thibodeau vs Erik Spoelstra
Spoelstra is a young fiery coach who has a bright future ahead of him. His play calling at times can be suspect, but he has gotten some great production from his defense.
This maybe Tom’s first year as a head coach, but he has had dozens of years as an assistant and maybe one of the best defensive coaches in the league today.  He has really gotten his player to play into his philosophy and is known as a coach who is the first in and last out of the office everyday.  Tom Thibodeau is a top candidate for coach of the year.
+1 Chicago
Mascot
Come on this is easy, not only do the Bulls have Benny the Bull, but they also have Brian Scalabrine or should I say Jackie Moon? Scalabrine is always the first off the bench to give high fives and always the player fans chant for when the Bulls are blowing someone out.  He is like the disabled kid on the high school basketball team everyone loves.  This is what the Heat desperately need, the weird guy in the locker room everyone finds strangely cool!
+.03678

Miami is very top heavy with their talent and Chicago is very balanced and deep in talent. At the end of the day, both teams will need their MVP candidate to succeed, but on this day when they are hypothetically not there, Chicago has the better ‘top to bottom’ team - 


Chicago Bulls 5.03678 - Miami Heat 2




Well Allow Me to Retort!
By Max Berlin

Lets take a look at the reality of the situation, Derrick Rose and LeBron James are two of the most explosive players in the NBA and are obviously in the front running for the league's MVP award.

While business trousers (Jerms) poses an argument of validity it has come to my attention, while the bench may be the deciding factor for Jerms' argument you have to take into consideration the Heat have two players you can work an offense through. Before James' took his talents to South Beach and before Bosh was discovered as the last actual living Velociraptor, Dwayne Wade had already won an NBA Championship which was subsequently followed by being named the MVP of said championship series. Chris Bosh was a consistent 20pts and 10reb force in which the Raptors ran their offense through.  

This year the Bulls were without their starting center and emotional leader Joakim Noah and power forward extraordinaire Carlos Boozer for a total of 48 games yet stayed a dominant force in a loaded eastern conference.  This is due to the fact that Derrick Rose was the constant factor in this unpredicted experiment that put the Bulls to the test.  Yes, the Bulls are better by a position to position comparison, but they would not be the same if it weren't for Rose's ability to drive, pass, and shoot the way he does.  Defenses would not react to any other player, as they do when collapsing down on Rose as he drives enabling Rose to kick out a pass to a wide open Korver or drive base-line then dish an under the hoop pass to a cutting Boozer.  

With 2.5 seconds left and with Derrick Rose and LeBron James out of the equation, who takes your last shot?  If you ask me, I'll take Wade or Bosh over Deng or Boozer any day of the week.  Wade is a proven killer and Bosh knocks down his jumpers at a 50% clip, you cant beat those numbers.  Deng and Boozer don't hold the same credentials and aren't as proven in the clutch.  The Bulls philosophy seems to be, run our offense through Derrick Rose, and he delivers.  Without Rose as the anchor of that offense, it doesn't run the same consistency or effectiveness and in essence it falls apart.Unlike the Heat, the Bulls only have one player who can lead the team and control the tempo of the game and without him the basketball game goes from a strategic art to the running of the bulls.  

Although pound for pound the Bulls may be a stronger and deeper team, any elementary school phys ed teacher can see that a team led by Wade and Bosh is always better than a team led by Deng and Boozer.     Bitches.  

for broader view on life check out
ponderings of a bearded child