NBA's Saltine Wonders

We see them peppered, or in this case salted, throughout the NBA delighting us with their pure and undeniable goofy whiteness. As they mis-handle the ball, take bad shots, and just look downright terrible at times. They leave us feeling anywhere from orgasmic jubilation to complete condemnation, yet they still go relatively un-noticed.  We have taken the liberty to give you all what you have been waiting for, the top 10 goofiest white boy ball players, hand picked, uncut, and uncovered for what they really are, here for everyone's entertainment,

The Saltine Dream Team

Drafted by white boy NBA analyst Max Berlin

Please welcome to the court, your starting line up for the Sal-tine Dreeeaaaammmm Teeeeaaaam!!

Out of Wyoming, Michigan, Starting at center, standing at an unbalanced 7 feet tall and weighing in at what seems to be a not so healthy 265 pounds, number 35, Freak Show! I mean, Chirs Kaman!  Growing up on a farm in Michigan, Chris Kaman was diagnosed with ADHD at the tender age of just two and a half.  His hobbies as a child included tearing off neighbor's roof shingles and tossing them around the farm, practicing kissing with sheep, studying Hitler's "Mein Kampf".  Leave it to the Clippers to use a number one draft pick (6th overall) on an uncoordinated, slow, mock of a center.

Nobody likes me!!!

Starting at small forward, out of Glendive, Montana, number 6, Adam "No Friends" Morrison!  Adam Morrison shared the Player of the Year award with Duke's JJ Reddick in 2006 and won the "Most Likely To Sexually Assault A Six Year Old Boy Award" in 2008, not much has followed since then.  Drafted third overall by the Charlotte Bobcats in the 2006 draft he was later traded to the Lakers where he seldom played, if at all dressed.  He is now a free agent after being waived by the Wizards after training camp.  Yes, waived by the Wizards.  The same Wizards who once held a road record of 0-25.  To sum up Morrison's career and to put an emphasis on his "No Friends" nickname, I leave you with this video of No Friends Morrison apathetically stealing a high-five from the opposing team.

Hansbrough after finding out he would actually be drafted.

Ladies and Gentleman, I would like to introduce to you the most coveted college basketball player of our time.  Selected 13th overall by the Indiana Pacers,  the one, the only, Tyler Hansbrough!  What can be said about Tyler that hasn't already?  Unanimous winner of the "Most Likely To Be A Bust"  award in 2009, Hansbrough has proven us all to be, well, correct.  One of the most decorated players in college basketball history has fallen into the silent shadows of the Indiana Pacers roster. Larry Bird must have fallen out of his nest to make a move such as this one.  Hansbrough was mature for his age during his time in North Carolina which meant he had the height and size advantage over most power forwards in the NCAA. It is no wonder he was able to bully the smaller forwards around.  Hansbrough also shares the same striking image as the Muppet Babbies mad scientist, "Beaker".

its 7 oclock on the dot, im in my drop top....

Starting at guard, standing a measly 6 feet 2 inches, weighing in at a modest 175lbs, Fresh out of Naw'Lins Louisiana, Chris "Undrafted, Never Passes" Quinn!  Chris Quinn was never looked at as a promising star coming out of Notre Dame in the 2006 NBA draft, and every owner knew it.  Signing a contract with the Miami Heat, he played in the summer league but failed to take the starting position.  He finally made a appearance when the suspended Grandfather Gary Peyton was out. He played well but was left off the playoff roster, which is when he ventured off to pursue his career as Usher's backup dancer.  Quinn's playing career can be summed up by an interview with Shaquille O'Neal on being traded to the Suns in which Shaq stated "We have professionals who know what to do, no one is asking me to play with Chris Quinn, I'm actually on a team again"

Rounding out the Saltine's is the obvious rookie of the year for this team, Cole Aldrich.  Cole was drafted 11th overall in the 2010 draft, only to have his rights traded to the Oklahoma City Thunder, to then be demoted to the Tulsa 66ers of the D-League.  He is averaging an astounding 1.1pts per game, 2.7 rebounds and a modest .2 assists this season. With numbers like, its no wonder he had his front tooth pulled out with pliers to alleviate the pain of what seems to be the start of a not so promising career.

The Wonder Bread All-Stars 

Coached & Managed by Jeremy Lewin

Ladies and gentlemen, I am honored to introduce to you the most iconic group of jocular white basketball players earth has ever seen... The Wonder Bread All-Stars!!!!!!!!

1- (Point Guard) Jason “White Chocolate” Williams

Jason Williams has pizzazz, he has flash, he has… oh wait, I think he just turned the ball over in the process of explaining his skills.  HOLY CRAP J-Wills with the behind the back, through his legs cross over, jumps over the defender and … … ‘clank’, sorry to get you excited, it was just another typical J-Dub Million Dollar move and 10 cent finish. I mean, what do you expect from a white guy who has a Black Panther tattoo on one arm and “white boy” tattooed on his knuckles?  

 

2- (Shooting Guard) Brian "The White Mamba" Scalabrine

I ask you this, what can you say about Brian Scalabrine that you can’t say about the disabled kid on any High School basketball team?? 

Scal or should I say Jackie Moon in the flesh, seems to get picked up by teams just to challenge the teams Mascot for playing time.  He is always the first player off the bench to give his teammates high fives and the fans always chant for him when garbage time arrives. You can only imagine what happens when he makes a insignificant point during a game… the crowd erupts into cheers as if every obese person left in the stadium just won a free Big Mac and Fries.  Brian Scalabrine may very well be the most significant insignificant player to ever grace the basketball court. 

Here are a couple more links from the wonderful world of 'Scal'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPLxRzFno4c

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5zzOfsTZEVg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TcID5Bk6SJM

3- (Small Forward) Luke Walton

Yep that splatter you see on Luke Waltons arm is what you think it is, a dreadful interpretation of a grateful dead tattoo.  Then again maybe it’s just a metaphor to his basketball skills.  

4- (Power Forward) Rony Seikaly

Every great all white Basketball team needs some great Techno music! This is why I bring you... drum roll please… DJ Ronyyyyyyyyyy Seikalyyyy.  Not only can he post up, but when ever your team needs a little boost from the cha cha slide, DJ Ron Ron will be there to blast it from the speakers.  Oh and don’t worry if you can’t make the game, you can still get some DJ Spin Doctor straight from his premier website, http://ronyseikaly.com/

5- (Center) Shawn Bradley “Missionary Impossible”

At 7’6” and 275lb “The Enormous Mormon” had no need to jump to dunk.  For some reason, even at that size he had such a difficult time blocking players. Maybe it was because of his incredible 1.36572 inch vertical he used so rarely. 

Shawn is the King of poster… or should I say king of posterized.  He got posterized by so many undersized humans it makes me nauseous to think about how many sweaty man marbles has rested on his sacred Mormon chin. I hope you have your cameras ready this giant stick stickly man in the middle is the ultimate weapon the Wonder Bread All-Stars was looking for.  
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdPstztPkLA&feature=player_embedded#at=21

Who will win this legendary match-up? Will it be the Saltine Dream Team led by Adam "no friends" Morrison or will it be The Wonder Bread All-Stars led by their Enormous Mormon in the middle. You be the judge! And hey if you think we missed one let us know, maybe there will be a special guest appearance.